Potty training? It'll take a week! Children sleeping OK? All under control. Temper tantrums? I just turn a blind eye!
Chosen where they're going to primary school?
Now that's the hard bit.
After 27 months of apparently doing very little, I'm in full-throttle mode researching where my twin two-year-old children will go to school in two years time.
And I'm starting to feel like it might be easier to move home.
But for now, let's rewind a few weeks.
It's a Tuesday morning and my family of four have joined a tour of a local primary school. It has an excellent rating, but is it good enough for our children?
We're not going to send them to any old school!
Has this school got what it takes to help nurture my son into becoming Prime Minister or better still centre forward for Chelsea? Will the school be good enough to launch my daughter onto an inevitable path to Oxford University or becoming the next Taylor Swift?
I've carefully researched and drawn up a top five list of primary schools we'd consider in our area; we're having a look at all five over a few weeks just in case we don't get our first choice, which is a nailed-on certainty.
After 27 months we're at last in control of something again. What a relief!
Anyway, we're waiting patiently at the school's main reception area when I notice that another mum and dad have also brought along their child for the tour.
I breathed a gentle sigh of relief.
We had thought long and hard about whether to bring our children along on the tour. In the end we thought they would enjoy the morning; it would be a nice family outing!
First big mistake.
You see, London boasts many beautiful Victorian schools, many of which retain their basic original characteristics.
Four floors of them.
And no lift.
The tour begins and there's quite a large number of us on it, all listening intently and trying to think of intelligent questions to ask and impress the extremely likeable teacher who is leading the tour. At this point it began to dawn on me how competitive getting your child into a school of your choosing really is; and how much work can be involved. I recalled a rumour about a heavily-pregnant woman joining one such school tour with the intention of signing up their unborn child on the spot. Surely not!
Anyway, the tour party climbs onwards and upwards and we're all thoroughly impressed by what we are seeing and hearing.
This is the school for us I thought.
Now, amongst the tour party one family were clearly already flagging and rueing the next flight of stairs because their two toddlers were already demanding to be carried!
Oh, that would be my family!
My children, 15 minutes into the tour, were already fed up with what the lovely teacher had to say and had zero interest in pledges like "we hope to be teaching Mandarin soon and we may have a swimming pool by the time your children join us".
It was starting to feel like a scene out of The Poseidon Adventure, the US disaster film in which a luxury liner is overturned by a tsunami. Passengers trapped inside the liner attempt escape by climbing further up into the hull. And as we trudged up yet another flight of stairs further into the bowels of the Victorian school and through packed classrooms with well-behaved children, it felt like our impending application to the school was also in danger of sinking.
This wasn't turning out to be the congenial family outing that we had planned.
Was our application doomed for the scrapyard alongside the SS Poseidon?
Mother and father were beginning to really sweat and tread water while our children were voicing their disapproval of ever joining the tour!
And to be fair, we realised it was unfair to be dragging our children along on the tour.
Rule No.1 then when applying for a primary school place.
Don't take your toddlers along on a school tour. It's no fun for them and they become very heavy after four flights of stairs and 45 minutes of carrying.
And whilst we were fairly confident that our experience on the tour wasn't going to affect our chances of a successful application, as we began the descent back to the school's reception, we realised that we needed to change our attitude towards applying for school places.
We needed to get serious about the process.
Competition for places at primary schools with good ratings in our area of London is so fierce that parents often make radical lifestyle changes in order to enhance their chances of a successful application. Clued up parents are renting or buying homes closer to schools or starting to go along to church, instead of sending their child to their nearest local school.
Maybe this is the experience of a wide-eyed new parent looking at the education system in inner-city London, but it still shocked me.
And this rivalry for school places became blatantly apparent when the teacher leading the tour invited questions from the group. Despite every conceivable subject having been discussed, from school dinners, the curriculum and after-school clubs, it quickly became clear that the vast majority of parents really had only one line of questioning that they wanted answering.
Will my child get a place at the school?
What is the admissions criteria?
When can I apply?
It was clear that the parents had already made up their minds on whether to apply for a place at the school.
It was therefore laudable how the teacher leading the school tour nevertheless continued to tirelessly depict the school in it's best possible light in an effort to convince parents that this was the school for their child, despite being completely aware that the allocation of places was via a clear admissions procedure outlined by the local authority.
Parent's don't have the final say on where their children go to school; at least that's how it appears where I live. In the end it seems it's all down to clearly defined schools' admissions criteria, which can vary from local authority to local authority.
And schools' admissions criteria can often be quite complex. I have heard tales of parents getting measuring tapes out to prove that they live within a particular school's boundaries.
Rule No.2 then on applying for a primary school place.
Get involved and get serious about applying for places ASAP because it's often a complex and cut-throat business.
Competition for places at primary schools with positive ratings in our area of London naturally attract more applications than can be accepted. Therefore if all the good schools (based on positive ratings) are oversubscribed and we miss the boat with our choices, what then? Where will we send our children to school?
My advice is get serious about where you would like your children to go to school ASAP.
As for us, I feel we've got it all under control. We're going to keep it simple.
We'll probably move!